I am a Scorpio. October 24th 1974 was the day I was born. I am strong willed, stubborn, and can be vengeful person if I get hurt too many times..I have let myself get weak and scared and cowered in the corner and I can no longer do that to myself. I have lived in the gray area of my life for as long as I can take it. I have always hated gray areas. I hate wishy washy and I am a Yes or No person and never a maybe. I want to know where I stand, how I stand and well to be honest FUCK all the rest. I am a person that is worthy of so much more in this life and it might have taken me years to come to that realization but I am choosing for my life to be different from now on. I have been known to go after what I wanted and I usually get exactly what I want because I can make it happen.
All that said.
I am separating and eventually going to get a divorce from my husband. It is a choice that I had to make in order to grow as a person. This was my decision that I have wrestled with for many months. The other day I finally just had enough. I read a poem entitled, Why she stayed
and I got up, took a deep breath and headed into the bedroom to tell the person that I have given the last 14 years of my life to, that I was done. I also wanted to do this while we were still talking and could hopefully come up with a peaceful solution. I have written him numerous letters over the years trying to get him to change. In every letter the same words were repeated over and over.
Please treat me like I matter
Please pay attention to me
Please help with the kids
Please wear your freaking wedding ring
Please buy me flowers every now and then
Please don't walk twelve feet ahead of me in the store
Take me on dates
Hold my hand
Surprise me every now and then
Show me that I matter and I am not just a maid and a nanny
Don't ignore me and please call and tell our kids goodnight every night.
Every letter that I sent to him a small piece of my heart went with it. It was filled with hope and prayer and that, that letter would do the trick. The letters spanned many years and sometimes they were written monthly. Sometimes he would change and the change never lasted or I would not be here writing this to you. I did not send him some of them because I was not ready to send them to him at that time. The culmination of it ended when I wrote him one last letter and then printed him out all the letters that I could find on one computer. I presented them all dated and went through and underlined all of the passages that matched and he told me I was beating a dead horse.
I have joked with my friends that I was a single, married wife. He worked nights during our marriage, he worked days, during our marriage, and he was also gone for a week and then home for a week. There were sometimes weeks that would go by without a single text sent in either direction, His jobs were always as such that he was not allowed to have a phone at work and I did not want to get him into trouble. I went to marriage counseling by myself and well.. WE basically turned into roommates. Marriage has to be 100% and not 50/50 and in the end that is what broke me. I just kept giving and giving until there was nothing of me left, and that has always been my life story.
Personally, What I wanted from this divorce is our children. I wanted my children to have their processions. I wanted any gift that he has given me in our marriage and I wanted what I brought into the marriage. I also wanted/needed a car to drive the kids around. I told him that the boat, gator, camper and house could all be his. I did not want any of it, unless he sold the house and then I wanted half of it. After I told him what I wanted he told me he was going to fight me for the kids. I basically let him have them, with a joint custody agreement that is not in writing yet and I am not going to pay child support. He has a good job and insurance and he can really provide them, right now, with a better life then I can at this point.
I was not wanting to make this announcement until I had a chance to talk to my children and my family first. I had to make sure that I had a place to live, that I was going into this with a clear head and a plan. We are going to share this house that we live in and I am going to take care of the kids during the week and when he gets home I am going to leave and go to the place that I am going to call home. I got the keys yesterday to my new house, there was much thought on my behalf over all of these matters and after I finally made the decision my soul has felt lighter.
There is a lot of work to be done to this new house. I am going to substitute to earn as much as I can before I move in, I am going to need a bed, couch, fridge, stove and a washer and dryer. I need to get the septic system installed and I need to replace the bathroom floor. It is easy to put a price on those things though, but not so easily to purchase the sanity I have lost over the years. Standing on the porch to my new house listening to the wind whip through the trees was like a message from my parents. "Welcome Home"
My family is completely supportive of my decision and this is going to be my new life.
Please respect our children as they are learning to live with what this is going to entail with their lives. Pray for all of us please because we all need it right now.