?

Log in

The thoughts that fill my head
An introspection
Recent Entries 
Welcome to the thoughts that fill my head.
You are welcome to join if you think that we might get along.

30th-Jan-2017 03:40 pm - No gray area.
Rainbow Eye
I am a Scorpio. October 24th 1974 was the day I was born. I am strong willed, stubborn, and can be vengeful person if I get hurt too many times..I have let myself get weak and scared and cowered in the corner and I can no longer do that to myself. I have lived in the gray area of my life for as long as I can take it. I have always hated gray areas. I hate wishy washy and I am a Yes or No person and never a maybe. I want to know where I stand, how I stand and well to be honest FUCK all the rest. I am a person that is worthy of so much more in this life and it might have taken me years to come to that realization but I am choosing for my life to be different from now on. I have been known to go after what I wanted and I usually get exactly what I want because I can make it happen.
All that said.

I am separating and eventually going to get a divorce from my husband. It is a choice that I had to make in order to grow as a person. This was my decision that I have wrestled with for many months. The other day I finally just had enough. I read a poem entitled, Why she stayed and I got up, took a deep breath and headed into the bedroom to tell the person that I have given the last 14 years of my life to, that I was done. I also wanted to do this while we were still talking and could hopefully come up with a peaceful solution. I have written him numerous letters over the years trying to get him to change. In every letter the same words were repeated over and over.

Please treat me like I matter
Please pay attention to me
Please help with the kids
Please wear your freaking wedding ring
Please buy me flowers every now and then
Please don't walk twelve feet ahead of me in the store
Take me on dates
Hold my hand
Surprise me every now and then
Show me that I matter and I am not just a maid and a nanny
Don't ignore me and please call and tell our kids goodnight every night.

Every letter that I sent to him a small piece of my heart went with it. It was filled with hope and prayer and that, that letter would do the trick. The letters spanned many years and sometimes they were written monthly. Sometimes he would change and the change never lasted or I would not be here writing this to you. I did not send him some of them because I was not ready to send them to him at that time. The culmination of it ended when I wrote him one last letter and then printed him out all the letters that I could find on one computer. I presented them all dated and went through and underlined all of the passages that matched and he told me I was beating a dead horse.

I have joked with my friends that I was a single, married wife. He worked nights during our marriage, he worked days, during our marriage, and he was also gone for a week and then home for a week. There were sometimes weeks that would go by without a single text sent in either direction, His jobs were always as such that he was not allowed to have a phone at work and I did not want to get him into trouble. I went to marriage counseling by myself and well.. WE basically turned into roommates. Marriage has to be 100% and not 50/50 and in the end that is what broke me. I just kept giving and giving until there was nothing of me left, and that has always been my life story.

Personally, What I wanted from this divorce is our children. I wanted my children to have their processions. I wanted any gift that he has given me in our marriage and I wanted what I brought into the marriage. I also wanted/needed a car to drive the kids around. I told him that the boat, gator, camper and house could all be his. I did not want any of it, unless he sold the house and then I wanted half of it. After I told him what I wanted he told me he was going to fight me for the kids. I basically let him have them, with a joint custody agreement that is not in writing yet and I am not going to pay child support. He has a good job and insurance and he can really provide them, right now, with a better life then I can at this point.

I was not wanting to make this announcement until I had a chance to talk to my children and my family first. I had to make sure that I had a place to live, that I was going into this with a clear head and a plan. We are going to share this house that we live in and I am going to take care of the kids during the week and when he gets home I am going to leave and go to the place that I am going to call home. I got the keys yesterday to my new house, there was much thought on my behalf over all of these matters and after I finally made the decision my soul has felt lighter.

There is a lot of work to be done to this new house. I am going to substitute to earn as much as I can before I move in, I am going to need a bed, couch, fridge, stove and a washer and dryer. I need to get the septic system installed and I need to replace the bathroom floor. It is easy to put a price on those things though, but not so easily to purchase the sanity I have lost over the years. Standing on the porch to my new house listening to the wind whip through the trees was like a message from my parents. "Welcome Home"

My family is completely supportive of my decision and this is going to be my new life.

Please respect our children as they are learning to live with what this is going to entail with their lives. Pray for all of us please because we all need it right now.
24th-Jan-2017 04:02 pm - Kingdom
Rainbow Eye
Kingdom


This was never going to be a fairy tale,
There is not going to be happily ever after.
The moment that she thought about the veil,
Her tears drowned out all of her laughter.

His armor was frail, rusted and falling apart.
The sword was broken in two and bent.
He knew the motto and recited it by heart.
The truth is that his heart had already been spent.

Her crown was missing, her innocence tore.
She could not hide the pain in her eyes.
All around her, her banners and colors swirled.
Her thoughts could not be silenced by the lullaby.

She wanted the fairy tale and needed it to heal.
It was not meant to be, they could never agree.
Forever at his feet she was meant to kneel.
Her fears kept her from ever becoming free.

He tried to rule the kingdom but forgot about his queen.
Locked up in a tower, her shackles cut her ankles and wrist.
So much confusion she wanted to beat her chest and scream.
Those that knew her, her pain, her doubts, were dismissed

The kingdom was broken and torn from now to hereafter,
There will never be any peace to silence the screaming.
The King wrote and closed the book on the last chapter,
And the queen for her Kingdom will always be grieving.
17th-Jan-2017 11:53 pm - 7/11/ Standing Naked in the Rain.
Rainbow Eye
I was reading some of my more personal stuff and felt compelled to share this. There are a lot of "I" statements, but it was wrote to myself. There is my validation, This is advice to myself. This is completely raw and unadulterated and it helped me. Maybe it will help someone else.


I have got all these words mixing and jumbling around in my brain and my heart and my soul. I do not know for the first time how to coherently put them on paper to convey what I need to. I am not focused and my brain is utterly chaotic. I have hopes and fears and thoughts that stumble around and hit parts of my heart that I thought were long frozen. I wish I could just tell you what all I have learned from being broke and trying to heal. The truth that I have learned is almost as hard as the lies that I have told myself to make it though the night. I have hurt those that I love and I have turned the love that they gave me into pain. The most beautiful part of my day is the moment I wake up and realize that the nights visions were only nightmares that will not be realized. To be broken is the hardest thing that could have happened. People have hurt themselves on the pieces of me that have broke off. I have no miracle salve or band-aids to make their hurt go away.

I cannot go back and change what all I have done trying to find myself. There is not one part of me that is not corrupt and broke. I can blame it on people all I want. The truth is I was never strong enough to realize that I was the one that broke myself. I broke myself by not realizing that I was worth something. I let people treat me like I was replaceable, Like I was not worthy, like I was not beautiful in my own way. I will never be what people want me to be. I will always be me. I have sinned against myself, I have hurt myself, I have hurt those I love. It is all on me and it was never anyone's fault except mine. My heart will forever have a wall around it and I cannot change that. There is one part of me that I can never give to anyone else and I realize that now. I have to love myself before I can love anyone else and the last part of me, is the part that is mine.

I will never forgive myself for taking people down the same path that I stray down while I am broke. I have so many thoughts that I cannot kill roaming around in my head; reminding myself that I hurt people while I was trying to find myself. Everyone is broke in their own way and I just made it worse while I was trying to heal myself. I am so many things, I am so many hurt things wrapped in a package and I realized that I am holding on to them like they are going to save me. I had so much pain in my life that I thought if I held onto it that it would eventually set me free. I realize now that that it was just dragging me down the same path of hurt. I have to let go of the past because it is drowning me.

I cannot be the same person that I was in the past. I have to let it go and stop focusing on the pain. I have to stop remembering yesterday, last year, and last month.I have no answers about my future, there is no certainty about my future, there is not one thing I know about what I need to do to become better except letting go of the past.

I have learned from my past experiences though. I am worthy of love that is irreplaceable, devastatingly beautiful and full of hope. I deserve love that is going to replace all the hurt that I have held onto. I need love that is going to forever drown the illusion that I was never not broke. It is hard to look in the mirror and not want to yell at myself for all that I have put myself through. I have always put myself last while I was looking for someone else to fulfill my happiness. I have to be responsible for my own happiness, I have to realize that I am a flawed individual and learn to except my flaws. I deserve someone that is going to love all of me, not just the good parts. I deserve love that is going to love the ugly, the broke and the damaged pieces of me too. I am a complete and total mess and I need someone that is going to love me for all of that.

There is a contradiction though in all of this mess that is me. I do not know if I am ever going to be able to love myself. If holding onto the past for so long damaged me beyond repair. I do not know how to love myself and the crazy part is I do not know how to. The worst part about all of this is, no suggestion from anyone is going to teach me how to. I have to come to this myself, I have to learn in my own way to accept myself and my own flaws. I have to accept that everything that I have done was making me the person that I am today. My pain and my hurt made me into the person I see in the mirror today. My trials and pain caused me to break and to not realize my worth. I have never had a problem embracing all the pain and making it mine.

I can only ever be me, I cannot live up to everyone's expectations about what I should be. I may not ever forgive myself but that is just another part of me that I have to let go of. If anyone was ever done being broke and blaming it on others it is me. I have to be strong for me, I have to stop expecting others to do for me if I cannot do it for myself first. I have to learn that even though I am who I am, I am capable of change once again. I have to transform to be who I need to be. Today is my day, today is my start. I do not know who I am going to be when I am done. I can only hope that in the end of all of this I am someone that I can love. That the path I have chosen is the path I need to be down.

I am sorry I hurt you because it was never my intention. I have not been a good person, I have always had many flaws, I have always been imperfect. I am never going to be "perfect". I have to learn to be happy so that I can learn to love, I have to learn to make myself happy and stop expecting others to do it for me. I have to learn, transform, and become. I live in my head and my thoughts. My soul is shattered and I have to fix it, I have to fix it though.
Rainbow Eye
I have.

I have always been known to be the writer, my sword has always been my pen. I am not one that likes to degrade, fight, or hurt others because that is what is usually happening to me. I like to diddle with my prose and make people guess what I am writing about. Some of my poems have hidden meanings and are decipherable only if I give the key. I hope that one day someone runs across some of my poetry and decides to learn about me. Well hopefully, eventually; they will stumble across this journal and learn a thing or two about me.

When my Uncle Cal passed away, I wrote on my Facebook page a small excerpt of what I felt for him. I was asked to give the eulogy at his funeral by his widow. I stood up there in front of our family and friends and told them how much I admired him. I did not know that just three months later I would be writing my mothers obituary.

When I wrote her obituary, There was so much that was left out. I had to edit out what I wanted to put because my family just wanted a blotter. They just wanted the basics and that was it. If I had started writing that day about how much I loved her, I would still not be done almost a year later. I don't think that the world understood just how much she meant to me. My coping mechanism has always been to write. When she passed my family told me if I wanted to, that I could write a piece about her for the paper. I could include all of her accomplishments and stuff and they would publish it. I have not found the words because I have not allowed myself to fully feel that she is really not with me anymore, At least not in the physical sense. The last time I closed my eyes and talked to her it was when I found out that she left me land. I don't know what she was doing or thinking when she did that. I asked her and I never got a response, I did not expect one either.

I don't know if I can talk or write about it yet but I really need to put some more words on paper about her. It still breaks my heart though, My soul feels fractured in a million tiny pieces. In more ways then one her and my Grandfather were my safe haven. It seemed like they were immortal and would always be there. I knew if I was in trouble I just had to look for their light. They would pull me in no matter how rocky the sea was, now they are gone. Someone once told me that nobody could take away how I felt about them and how they felt about me. Nope. That is where I quit for now.

I have wrote to heal heartache, I have wrote to heal pain, I have wrote about things that I cannot understand and I have wrote to hide. My love and my heart has always came with a price. It has always came with emotions that I hope to never feel again and it has came with me. I have changed me, I have seen my flaws and have tried to become better friends with the select few that I open up to now. I fail daily but I can see that now. I was so oblivious to the pain that I caused people in the past. I wish I could take it all back but all I can do is change even more then what I already have, A constant metamorphosis I will probably always be fighting the ugly duckling from showing it's head.

There is a lot more that I could write tonight but I have school tomorrow to get ready for. Maybe I will continue this later.

If the question ever runs through your mind, If I have wrote about you. I probably have.

If you have ever broke my heart, passed me on the street, heard me cry, or left me behind... There are some words on whats left of my soul for you.

Good Night once again sweet readers.
Rainbow Eye
I had a horrible relationship once upon a time.. Okay.. More than once.
My first ever boyfriend,,, You know the serious one. The one that took my virginity as I took his. I thought everything was okay, I really did. After a year and a half he left me for the girl that sat behind me in Science. He did not even have the balls to tell me himself. That girl told me that they were going out now and we were over. I could not tolerate the "I love J0hn" on her books. I wanted to drown myself, Really. I drowned myself in reading and feeling sad and poetry about unrequited love, I went a bit psycho because that is just who I was at the time. I was so stupid back then.

The second time I was willing to put up with just anything as long as he came back to me. I was still stupid. He called me names, told me I needed help, I still bare scars from the damage he inflicted on me emotionally and physically. I forgave him along time ago. That person left me for his sisters best friend. Well he never really left me, I knew he was seeing her and I at the same time. I had to endure him comparing me to her...
To be honest.. I did not have to endure it. I wanted to. I thought that love was supposed to be Godly and that I was supposed to love unconditionally, Oh I was so wrong but nobody could make me see. I ran away from that relationship because it was time. I had chewed it up good and proper and there was no taste left in it. I gathered up what remained of my sanity and moved out of state.

The String along. When I was little I knew this boy, My parents Square Danced with his grandparents. My folks were okay with him spending the night and sometimes we even shared the same bed because we were too young and naive to do adult things. I remember about 8th grade my sister and I gave him a awful haircut. We were young and innocent and those kind of thoughts never crossed our minds. Fast forward years later.. His Grandma passed away and him and I reconnected at her funeral. He had grown up and so had I. I spent a couple of weekends with him out of state, He would drive all the way from Oklahoma to see me and drive back the next day. I really thought this was the one. I tried to plan a wedding but he never gave me a date to tell anyone. You know come to think of it he never gave me a ring either. I found out that he had fathered a kid and he would not introduce her to me. Evidently she had many different "daddies" and he did not want to introduce me to her.. I cannot believe the excuse was he did not want to introduce us because she needed something more permanent in her life... Excuse me fucker, I have known you all my life, and we were supposed to be married.

Man that changed my life the first time. The man that fathered my first son. We had a great, funny, tempestuous, wonderful little fairy tale, That was until he hit me and I left. Two weeks later I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. The man wanted me to get back with him and I did not do it. I had learned my lesson after being some other mans doormat and kickstand.

Best one ever, I followed a man into the Army, Enlisted and everything, We even went to the same base for training. After 6 weeks and after my medical discharge., He came home on leave and told me he met someone else while we were there. I remained friends with his mom, sister and dad.. His sister was my Maid of honor at my wedding to my husband and I named my daughter after her. I am still good friends with his mom.

I am a jealous person because of all of the times in the past I gave my heart to a man to have him leave me whenever he had enough of me. It does not help that I am a scorpio and that makes me even more insanely jealous than any logical human being should be. Maybe that is just an excuse. Who knows. I did get a big ass scorpion tattoo on my back to remind myself to be the badass my sign is known for.

I am a mess and I have always been insecure, Hell, My parents abandoned me at the hospital when I was born. I have never been wanted for who I am. I have never been good enough to keep.

My marriage is well my marriage and to respect my husbands privacy because he is a private person I will not divulge much about it here. I finally learned that lesson and out of respect for him I am not going to share any information here. I save that for Google Drive, My private diary is saved there. Believe me you cannot handle those thoughts, you don't want them in your head. I cannot even handle them in mine.

I am going to try to be more transparent in this. A sorta running commentary about my thoughts, Both old and new. The reason for this today... I ran across a picture of me smiling up to an ex that I mentioned above. It made me think of Jealously and who I am when that shit hits me.

Anyway.. I will hollar at you later. Have a good day.
22nd-Dec-2009 11:23 am(no subject)
Rainbow Eye
Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

In February I gave ladysaidy a life-saving blood transfusion (50 points). Last Saturday I put gum in ehowton's hair (-12 points). In April I gave dawnst3ar a kidney (1000 points). In September I ruled Asscrackistan as a kind and benevolent dictator (700 points). Last Tuesday photogoot and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points).

Overall, I've been nice (1749 points). For Christmas I deserve a wedgie!

Sincerely,
texas_tangent

Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:
11th-Sep-2009 09:21 am - 9/11
Rainbow Eye
I was taking a Algebra test in college and I was having the worst time concentrating. I knew that it was my Grandparents 50th wedding anniversary and I was so excited for them. I decided to just turn my test in and leave. A cappuccino sounded wonderful. I turned my test in and walked out in the hall. I was curious because I heard some people crying and it was eerily quiet. The atmosphere reminded me of a viewing at a funeral.I walked down to the cafe and found half of Navarro college standing in the cafe staring at the TV. I watched about three minutes and then I asked to borrow the phone. I called my mom and dad and asked if they were watching what was going on. She told me that she was just turning on the TV.  That is when the second plane hit.  I told her I had classes still but would be home soon. I grabbed my cappuccino and walked outside and sat at one of the benches where I was joined by my friend Vicki and we sat and talked about our family that was still in the service. That is when we found out that Navarro college was going to be canceling classes for the remainder of the day. I went home and watched the news the rest of the day.

I will never forget!







17th-Apr-2009 01:28 pm - Mommy Interview
Rainbow Eye

These were answered by Alyssa age 4

1. What is something mom always says to you?
You say you love me.

2. What makes mom happy?
love

3. What makes mom sad?
When I go in my room

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
funny ones

5. What was your mom like as a child?
love

6. How old is your mom?
5

7. How tall is your mom?
(she held her hand up about table length)


8. What is her favorite thing to do?
Hug Me


9. What does your mom do when you're sleeping?
you go to sleep to

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
Because you would sing

11. What is your mom really good at?
looking at everything

12. What is your mom not very good at?
nothing


13. What does your mom do for her job?
Laundry


14. What is your mom's favorite food?

Chinese


 
15. Why do you love mom?
Cause you make the food I ever ate


16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Kara GA GA GA (evidently she makes up her own cartoon characters)




17. What do you and your mom do together?
( She twirled around like a princess and then when I asked what else she said walk on our hands)


18. How are you and your mom the same?
Me and you and me and you and you and me . Can I go watch TV now? Sponge bob is on and it is my favorite kind of show

19. How are you and your mom different?
We have the same nose and we have the same eyes. Why do I have a interview? Tell me why? Is it done yet?


20. How do you know your mom loves you?
Because you give me the same food.

21. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?

Chinese


21st-Dec-2008 10:27 pm - Cord Blood Donor.
Rainbow Eye
I am happy to report that as of this writing I have received the paperwork to donate my babies cord blood and stem cells. I was going to be unable to do it, but I found a place that will come and pick it up from the hospital and will transport it and keep it until it is needed for research or a transplant.

I AM THRILLED about it.

Cryobanks is currently involved in supporting research pursuing cures for ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease), spinal cord repair and dermal wound repair.  Cryobanks' corporate policy does not permit involvement in any research that is deemed controversial (cloning, embryonics) or cosmetic.

So the day that our son is born he may save someones life.

I got interested in the idea several months ago when a guy in Germany was cured by having a bone marrow transplant with stem cells that contained a natural mutation and were immune to HIV. The patient, an American living in Berlin, also had leukemia, which is best treated by a bone marrow transplant. Thinking they might be able to cure the man of both diseases, the physicians gave him a bone marrow transplant from a person with natural immunity to HIV. The patient has now lived for 20 months since the transplant without any detectable traces of HIV. What researchers discovered is that there is a natural mutation in less than 1 percent of caucasians that results in a lack of CCR5 receptors on any of their cells. CCR5 receptors are the first thing that HIV attacks to cause AIDS.

My husband was excited when I told him of my plans. Normally the hospital will discard the blood and the placenta as medical waste and I did not want that to happen this time. I am thrilled that I may help someone live a longer life.

I have filled out all the paperwork and I take it to the hospital in the morning for the Dr to sign and then I send it off. Cryobanks will then send me a collection kit and then I take that to the Dr. The day that Bradley is born they will collect the blood from the cord and the placenta and then Cryobanks sends a courier to pick it up.

Hopefully they will put it to good use. Who knows, Maybe Bradley will save someones life.

That would be awesome.

I have found something that just confirms our good decision to donate. I will share it with you.

The benefits of cord blood stem cells:
• Cord blood donated to a public Cord Blood Bank is an alternate stem cell source that avoids the ethical dilemma in harvesting embryonic stem cells, which requires killing embryos.
• Umbilical cord blood stem cells trigger little immune response in the recipient as opposed to embryonic stem cells which have a tendency to form tumors when injected into animals or human beings.
• Cord blood can be used as an alternative to bone marrow transplantation and to treat more than 70 diseases including Leukemia and Sickle Cell Anemia.
• Cord blood does not have to match as closely as bone marrow, so most (>90%) children will be able to find a donor within 1-2 weeks.
• Cord blood poses fewer risks than bone marrow transplants. Early studies show that the immune cells in cord blood from unrelated donors are less likely than those in bone marrow to attack the patient's own tissues (graft vs. host disease). Cord blood is also less likely to transmit viruses.
• Cord blood works for adults. Two studies confirm improved survival rates among adults who received cord blood transplants for leukemia.
• Cord blood collection is easy and risk-free. Cord blood collected from the delivered placenta or umbilical cord does not interfere with the care of the mother or newborn baby, posing no risk to mother or baby.
• Cord blood is available immediately. Cord blood stems cells are frozen and stored at public and private cord blood banks. When a suitable cord blood unit is found, it is guaranteed to be dispatched to a patient within one week or 24 hours in an emergency.
• Studies have shown certain cord blood stem cells have the capacity to change into other cell types, which give them the potential to help regenerate organs and treat many fatal, terminal and debilitating conditions, including spinal cord injury, Parkinson's, diabetes and heart disease. Researchers have turned cord blood stem cells into neural stem cells, nerve cells, liver/pancreas precursors, skeletal muscle, fat cells, bone cells and blood vessels.

Cord blood stem cells save lives:
• Neurological Diseases: Cord blood from unrelated donors was used to treat Krabbe's disease which produces progressive neurologic deterioration and death in early childhood. Most of the children were cured and achieved age-appropriate cognitive development.
• Spinal Cord Injuries: Hwang Mi-soon, who was paralyzed for 19 years, took her first steps after receiving transplanted cord blood stem cells.
• Sickle Cell Anemia: Keone Penn, 16 year old African-American received a cord blood stem cell transplant for sickle-cell anemia five years ago is now cured.
• Acute Leukemia (cancer):
o Gayle Serls, received a cord blood transplant and has since seen both children graduate and celebrated her own 50th birthday.
o Katherine Sutter, at 5 months old, received a cord blood transplant and is now cured.
• ALD (Adrenoleukodystrophy), an inherited disorder in which a protein that normally helps metabolize very long-chain fatty acids that leads progressive brian damage and death: Spencer Barsch, 2 year old, received a cord blood transplant and stopped cerebral changes from ALD.
• Osteoporosis: Anthony Dones, at 5 months old, received a cord blood transplant and is recovering.
• Diamond Blackfan Anemia, a disorder where no red blood cells are made, requiring monthly transfusions: Heidi Tweten received a cord blood stem cell transplant in her 20’s is now off anti-rejection medications for six years with normal blood counts and has since graduated from nursing school, got married, and adopted a baby boy.
• Hurler’s Syndrome, a disorder that affects a child's central nervous system and organs leading to mental retardation and possible death: Cord blood treatments for 20 children had an 85 percent success rate in treating the disease.

17th-Dec-2008 08:22 pm - My Tradition
Rainbow Eye
"Because," said Scrooge, "a little thing affects them. A slight disorder of the stomach makes them cheats.  You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato.  There's more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are!" Charles Dickens - A Christmas Carol


I absolutely love the 1984 movie version of A Christmas Carol with George C. Scott. It is one of the few versions of the tale that says the above line in its entirety. I love the above line because it sounds like something my dad would have blamed seeing a ghost on. The dialogue does not differ much from the book and the movie looks like it has been around for ages.  I highly recommend everyone watching this movie if you ever get a chance.



This page was loaded Jun 25th 2017, 5:08 pm GMT.